Monday, November 10, 2008

Why Do So Many Marriages Fail?

Chances are you know someone who has endured the pain of a miserable marriage or had to swallow the bitter pill of divorce.

Why do so many men and women who truly believed they were soul mates and lovers for life, find themselves combatants in the divorce court? The answers to those questions are not complicated at all. Follow me closely as we get to the bottom line reasons why so many marriages fail.

by Gillis Triplett

What a Mangled Web We’ve Weaved
Although we read and hear the alarming divorce statistics day-in and day-out, rarely do these facts seem to bother the masses. I’ll put our tragic divorce rate into proper perspective by asking this loaded question. “What do you think would happen if one out of every two aircraft that took off from the runway crash-landed?”

Answer: we the people, both flyers and non-flyers alike, would demand that the (FAA) Federal Aviation Administration and the (NTSB) National Transportation Safety Board perform a thorough investigation.

In all probability, we would insist that the President issue a no-fly order until this grave situation was corrected. We would adamantly demand that all aircraft be thoroughly inspected along with the runways, radars, air traffic controllers, fuel and the mechanics. We would check for terrorist plots and review everyone else and everything else involved in the equation until we got to the bottom line reason(s) why so many aircrafts were crash landing.

Having said that, one out of every two marriages that takes off from the wedding altar, crash lands in the divorce court. In the African American community that figure is worse! Consequently, we should all be in an uproar! We should all be moved to the point that we demand changes!

Surely I can’t be the only person who feels this way?

Irrefutably, this is cause for everyone who desires to marry, have a family and leave a wholesome legacy - to step back and ask these types of questions, “What’s going on? What are we doing wrong?” And most importantly, “How do we fix this mangled web that we have weaved?” But regrettably, for most men and women, it’s business as usual as they continue to marry and then divorce at a blistering pace.

This Is How We Do It?
Below are just a few of the more than four thousand actual cases and incidents of marriage and divorce that I have tracked and archived over the years. Pay close attention to how these men and women entered into their doomed unions.

Keisha H. , was a sweet, trusting and understanding woman until she met her husband, “Grant” during a church revival. The pastor prophesied that Grant would meet the woman of his dreams during the service. After eyeing Keisha, Grant made up his mind, “She’s The One!” The two never got to know each other. Based solely on their seemingly divinely inspired meeting, Grant talked Keisha into believing their union was ordained of G-O-D! It was Grant’s 3rd such trip down the aisle. Each one purportedly inspired by God. Their marriage lasted two and a half years before crashing and burning. Grant is already on his forth union, also supposedly inspired by God. He has tarnished every woman who made the mistake of not recognizing his deceit.

Leonard D. , found out that his wife was HIV positive a year and a half after they exchanged wedding vows. She cut herself in the kitchen and was bleeding profusely so he rushed her to the hospital. It was during the doctor’s examination that Leonard learned of her HIV infection. Asked why she didn’t tell him she was infected before they married, she said: “I didn’t tell Len because I love him and I didn’t want to loose him.” Leonard filed for divorce and was awaiting his HIV test results at publishing.

Karen T., was mesmerized when she laid her eyes on the man of her dreams. Two weeks later they were engaging in knee-buckling, earth shattering sex. Three months later they moved in together and about a year later they married. After the wedding bells quieted, they awakened to the harrowing revelation that the only good thing between them was the SEX. With diametrically opposing views of family, spirituality, husband-wife relations, finances and children, these two had literally nothing in common. They ended up in the divorce court as mortal combatants.

Brian. S. , was informed by a female he was having casual sex with that she was pregnant and he was the father of her child. After much prodding from her, Brian grudgingly agreed to marriage. Four tumultuous years later, his disgruntled wife decided to split, but not prior to taking him to the bank. Suspicious of her, Brian’s attorney urged him to obtain a legal DNA test of the child. Turns out Brian was not the biological father. Needless to say he was furious! After all, he only married her because she was pregnant.

Eric A., asserted after he, his parents and all of his siblings each experienced multiple divorces, that no marriage was designed to last. When asked had anyone in his family received any marriage preparation training or pre-martial counseling, Eric responded by saying, “Why does a person need to get training or counseling for something that comes so natural?”

Without a doubt, marriage is one of the most important decisions we’ll ever make in our lives. Shamefully, too many men and women give more thought to their education, careers and home purchases than they do marriage preparation and the selection of their mate. Why do so many marriages fail? Here are the primary reasons. Learn them and avoid them with every fiber of your being.

They become the wrong mate
They chose the wrong mate
Their marriage was established on a weak foundation, (i.e. sex, unplanned pregnancy, her biological clock, his need to control women)
They didn’t properly get to know each other
They were unequally yoked
Their past relationships/marriages came back to haunt them
One or both spouses:
Made false assumptions about the other
Brought harmful baggage or unresolved issues into their union
Had soul ties with past: spouses, lovers or sex partners
Did not know the “Art of Communication”
Were too immature to marry
Could not accept the other’s child(ren)
Entered the union infected the HIV/AIDS virus or some other STD
Harbored bitterness toward the opposite sex prior to their wedding
Had a defective/bad character
Married for the wrong reason(s)
Were bound by a generational curse of divorce
Had an improper vision for the family
Had unrealistic marital expectations
Didn’t comprehend the financial responsibilities or marriage
Never had proper marital role models
Never submitted to pre-marital training, counseling of mentoring
Didn’t know, understand or comprehend what “True Love” is
Didn’t know or understand what commitment is
Didn’t know, understand or respect the sacredness of the marriage covenant
Who Are You To Judge Me?
The problem is not with the institution of marriage. The problem is with how we have been doing marriage. We have been doing it wrong! People either choose the wrong mate or they become the wrong mate.

However, instead of healing from their past hurts, admitting their bad choices and harmful decisions, correcting their defective characters and properly addressing their baggage, the average man and woman takes the road most traveled. They place the blame of their failed unions on:

[a] The opposite sex, (i.e. all men are dogs - there are no good women)
[b] They start claiming marriage is obsolete
[c] Their belief that no one can be trusted
[d] They blame God, religion, the church morality or their family
[e] They falsely claim that no marriage is meant to last
[f] They blame anything or anyone else, while the true culprit; the man or woman in the mirror continues to make a mangled mess of matrimony.

God forbid that you bring their sins, wrongdoings, shortcomings or faults to the light. I once counseled a man who looked me square in my eyes and brazenly asserted that he had a right to beat his wife. “That’s how I make her obey me,” he said. When I challenged him with the truth, his response was, “Who are you to judge me!”

In another session, I was attempting to persuade an educated woman, that she had to completely change her lifestyle. She expressed a desire to marry, but she was so promiscuous, she had 9 abortions. Alarmingly, she had never tested for the HIV/AIDS virus or any STD and refused to do so. Her response? “Who are you to judge me?” Being the attractive woman that she is, she’ll no doubt eventually snag a husband.

Regrettably, her spouse will mostly likely be in for a rude awakening as he experiences the harmful side effects of her past. This includes but is not limited to the consequences of her numerous sex partners, multiple abortions, soul ties and possible STD infection(s). Yet, according to this woman, any messenger who brings these critical issues to her attention, no matter how their delivery, is being judgmental. In today’s self-righteous society, the mantra is, “Only God can judge me!”

Although their assertion is absolutely false, these men and women continue to use that religious sounding veil as a defense mechanism to hide their sin and gloss over their faults. They adamantly refuse to accept responsibility for their actions. Consequently, these types of individuals make for horrible spouses. They are just another one of the primary reasons why so many marriages fail.

Marriage Is Awesome And It Still Works Just Fine!
Don’t be discouraged by the alarming negative statistics. Don’t lose faith in holy matrimony. Marriage is an awesome institution and it still works just fine! It works when people follow the first and last instruction manual on the subject, which is the Written Word of God!

Do matrimony the right way! Become the right mate and learn how to choose the right mate. Be responsible for your actions. Don’t blame others for your poor decisions and unhealthy choices. Don’t ruin your chances at love by a living low lifestyle. Prepare yourself for your mate by embracing godly morals and family values.

There are couples who are prime illustrations of how to do marriage the right way. Surround yourself with these honorable men and virtuous women and follow their examples! Receive their sage advice and nuggets of wisdom. Allow them to be your marital mentors.

Finally, examine your personal beliefs and attitudes about the opposite sex and matrimony and adjust or eliminate any beliefs, feelings or opinions that would hinder you from experiencing a vibrant and healthy union. Do those things, keep the faith and true love will find you!

A Beautiful First Family: Our New Inspiration, By Alexis Garrett Stodghill

I grew up in a single-parent home as a small child, then with a step-father, who I did not like, as a youth. My role model all my life has really been my mother, and more recently my grandmother. The more I get to know both women, the more I admire their pride, their beauty, their tenacity, their intelligence and their class.

The wonderful love we receive from our everyday heroes is great. Yet, we will always need those higher stars and figures in our lives that deeply move us in our souls to really be great. In this new first family, we will finally have living superheroes who look like us, act like us, have been us and understand us.

Historically, young black people have rarely had these types of higher role models to look up to. We have had to create our own hero images for ourselves, to inspire us in unique ways that the mainstream could not have imagined. The TV show 'Perry Mason' inspired my mother to become a lawyer, at a time when her own relatives thought this was impossible. Many aspects of hip hop culture are inspired by, of all things, old cowboy flicks. These films taught troubled youths tough masculine values that, for all their flawed interpretation, gave them the self-esteem to survive in broken environments.

In the absence of idols who looked like us, we did like our people always did, and got "real" creative. We had to make heroes, or adopt strange ones, to wrap our minds in imaginary armor that shielded us from the stereotypes society sought to project onto us. Remaking mainstream hero images into our own worked well for many. In some instances, this necessity became a wellspring of amazing creativity.

Now, in the new millennium, the Obama family represents a plethora of positive images that teach, inspire and give us something to aspire to -- without this mental wrangling. There are almost too many positive role models to choose from:

-A happy black family.
-A loving black relationship.
-Beautiful, respectful and protected young women.
-A strong black woman who knows how to be feminine, and trusts her man.
-And a black man who is compassionate, cultured, intelligent, accomplished, responsible, but still as cool as hell.

No longer will we have to twist and turn cultural images that are inconceivably unlike us into new forms that can inspire us to do well. When I look at this picture I automatically see all the gorgeous grace that a black family can be.

May this new, real and true image inspire you.

What Black Leaders are Saying About Illegal Immigration

T Willard Fair, from an advertisement
Amnesty for illegal workers is not just a slap in the face to black Americans. It's an economic disaster,... I see illegal immigration and the adverse impact that it has on the political empowerment of African Americans, and the impact it has on the job market.''

-- T. Willard Fair, president of the Urban League of Greater Miami, Fla. to the Miami Herald, 4/26/07

"This guest worker program's the closest thing I've ever seen to slavery. I mean, how do you bring people over here and the employer decides how long you're going to stay and God knows what you've got to do if they have a baby. Do we change the Constitution and say that the child's now a citizen? I would hate to believe that this great country of ours in order to free, or rather, to bring cheap labor for entrepreneurs are willing to have a contract with Mexico to do this

-- Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY) on CNN's Lou Dobbs Tonight; 01/23/2007

"When the illegals walked out and had their rally [called "A Day Without Immigrants" on May 1, 2006], (Senator) Ted Kennedy (D-MA) compared their rallies to the civil rights marches. They're not the same. When we marched during the civil rights marches, we were citizens of this country, fighting for our God-given rights here -- constitutional rights. These folks are coming in illegally and demanding that we do what they want us to do while flying the Mexican flag. I just don't know how anyone can say that you can break the law and come to this country, protest, and insist that we give them rights, and call that civil rights."

-- Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson; founder and president of BOND, the Brotherhood Organization of a New Destiny in a Roundtable on Religion and Social Welfare Policy interview June 27, 2006

"Credibility in immigration policy can be summed up in one sentence: Those who should get in, get in; those who should be kept out, are kept out; and those who should not be here will be required to leave." "...for the system to be credible, people actually have to be deported at the end of the process."

-- Former Rep. Barbara Jordan on what Americans should expect from immigration laws from her testimony to the House Immigration Subcommittee; February 24, 1995

Steve Lonegan, Americans for Prosperity (AFP)

Dear Fellow Taxpayer:
I need your help. For the past three years, I have been criss-crossing New Jersey recruiting, educating and activating our citizens about the dangers of New Jersey’s expanding government.

Through our “Taxpayer Action Seminars,” Americans for Prosperity (AFP) has reached thousands of concerned taxpayers and recruited them as part of our organized effort to preserve free market values in this state. From Sussex County to Cape May County, AFP has sponsored programs in more than 250 community centers, libraries, Rotary Clubs, Republican Clubs, Democrat Clubs and in front of any group concerned with our state’s economic decline. But to keep up this effort I must be continuously raising money. Every program takes funding from someone like you and now, more than ever, you and I must stand up to the constant attack on our core principles. I am asking you to donate to AFP and help me keep up the momentum when we need it most. Americans for Prosperity is a 501©4 organization. There is no disclosure and contributions are unlimited. No disclosure means you are safe from retribution from vindictive bureaucrats so, even if you are one of the many disgruntled government employees fed up with conditions in this state, you are safe contributing to our efforts.
Everywhere I travel, I hear the same message - taxpayers are fed up with the nation’s highest state and property taxes and want a change. New Jersey’s job producing businesses, both small and big, are being driven out of this state and business owners and employees alike realize the consequences of this slow, but steady decline.

I am more and more convinced each day that our citizens are ready to call on Trenton to return to the principles of limited government, low taxes and individual freedom that was born in this state—the crossroads of the American Revolution—and will settle for no less. AFP is the only organization that is offering leadership, and the resources, to build an effective grassroots movement determined to preserve our future prosperity by influencing legislative decision-making.

To achieve this goal I need your financial support.
Our mission is to recruit, educate, motivate and activate thousands of citizen activists to take back New Jersey.

I hope you will support AFP with your most generous contribution of $50, $100, $1,000, or what ever you can afford, to help us continue to grow.

Americans for Prosperity is the nation's leading grassroots organization of taxpayer activists committed to the belief in limited government, lower taxes and individual freedom. The effort to put New Jersey back on track will be challenging, but it is a challenge you and I must meet.

Along with our regular Taxpayer Action seminars, AFP also produced programs such as the Bloggers Conference recently held at the Glen Pointe Marriott.

This is part of our ongoing effort to dominate the Internet and use all the tools of the “new media” now available to everyone.

Last May, more than five hundred citizens from across our state converged on Trenton to attend our “Defending the American Dream” Summit Conference that included great speakers like WABC and WNTP radio host Mark Levin and newspaper columnist Bob Novak.

And just last month, 2,000 of our activists from across the country converged on Washington, DC for the greatest show of strength the free market movement has seen in years. Our New Jersey delegation, more than 200 strong, came home motivated and ready to fight. (You can see my speech to the conference by clicking here).

It is through these grassroots programs that we have built the state’s most effective organization standing up for taxpayers. That is how we defeated two ballot questions last year that meant higher taxes and more debt and how we were able to stop Governor Corzine’s radical $38 Billion Borrowing and Toll Hike Scheme.

However, like any movement, it must always be raising the funds necessary to keep on winning. I hope you will consider supporting Americans for Prosperity with your most generous contribution so we can continue to put New Jersey back on track.

Please make a minimum contribution of $50.00 today and I will send you a signed copy of my latest book Putting Taxpayers First. This book is the culmination of my 12 years experience as a mayor and the intense learning experience I have had as AFP’s State Director.

I am proud to tell you this book has sold more copies than Nancy Pelosi’s and I hope you enjoy reading it and consider becoming a regular supporter of Americans for Prosperity, both as a donor and by becoming a citizen activist. You will be joining more than 10,000 others who are working to change the course of history in New Jersey.

With your help, we will win.
Very truly yours,
Steve Lonegan
State Director